If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
