Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
