it was like his penis was on wheels.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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