My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
