I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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