The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
