Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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