ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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