if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Randomize
