can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She said her name was "party"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
