i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
