Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
