3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize