I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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