Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
