everyone is single if you try hard enough
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
