so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
