What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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