Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
