woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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