Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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