What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
