I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
