How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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