What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
