Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
