I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
