I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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