Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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