So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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