Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
