I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
