You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
