do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
