A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
