The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You left your phone here
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