id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
