so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
