I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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