What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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