he told me I talked like a deaf person
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
