dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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