Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
