I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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