She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
