I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
