Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
