R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
