Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
