Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
