I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
