Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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