oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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