Cold hands, warm shart.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
