my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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