he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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