My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
